I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
