He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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