Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
