I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
