she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
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She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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