i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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