I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Come share oat with me in your robe
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
