like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
