just tell him i said nine months
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
