mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
