I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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