woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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