I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Pooping to opera.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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