i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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