I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
