I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
