Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
