Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
