marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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