i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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