There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
