I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
