At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
