the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
