So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
