someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize