i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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