just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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