the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
