Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Who died my cat blue again?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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