I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
