Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
