I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
