Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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