I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
