Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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