i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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