Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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