wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
