just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
