Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
