Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
