I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
