I love having hate sex.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
