i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.