i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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