Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Vodka?
Forever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
