She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
either way he was missing a nipple.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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