Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
