3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
