Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
