My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
