why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
