i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
