i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Boobs speak an international language.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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