What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
