Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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