I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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