Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
