So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
