He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
