Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
should my penis look like a turkey
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
