singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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