i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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